The Case of the Stolen School
by heyjupiter
Summary: Hogwarts is missing! Who could be responsible?


The Case of the Stolen School   
by heyjupiter/Renata of Doom (renata@frowl.org) 10/12/03   
Summary: Hogwarts has been stolen! Who could be behind this?   
PG   
Notes: No particular spoilers. Also, I should point out that this story was born when a friend and I were talking about stupid crossovers... so we decided to each cross the two most absurd fandoms we could think of. This is mine. (She ended up doing a HP/ER crossover, so.)   
Archive: Sure, just let me know. renata@frowl.org   
  
  
You glance at your watch as you open the impressive glass doors of the ACME headquarters. Good; you're 10 minutes early. Early enough to be polite, but not so early that you look like some over-excited kid on their first day at work, which of course you are. You introduce yourself to the receoptionist, and she gives you a plastic smile before taking you to meet the Chief.   
  
The Chief shakes your hand and offers you coffee, which you decline (you're giddy enough as it is.) "Welcome to ACME, Agent!" she says. "I'll show you your new office, and then introduce you to your new partner." Your office is nice, but nothing to write home about. You suspect you won't be spending much time in it anyway. You're then led down the hall to a much nicer office. The Chief doesn't bother to know, just walks right in. "Granger? Meet your new partner." A young-looking, somewhat bushy-haired woman turns around and smiles. She shakes your hand. "Pleased to meet you! I'm Hermione Granger." Your eyes widen.   
  
"THE Hermione Granger?" you blurt out before you can help yourself.   
  
She nods.   
  
"Enough small talk," the Chief interjects. "I think you can guess why you've been paired together. Granger here wrote the book-- literally-- on by-the-book detective work. You, on the other hand... well, your methods are a little more unconventional. You were both top of your class. We have a case on our hands that's going to requre our very best work, and that's you two. Granger, you can brief the rookie. Call me if you have any problems, or find any leads."   
  
Super Sleuth Granger offers you a chair, and you sit down. "Since we're going to be working together, you can call me Hermione," she said. Still in awe about meeting, let alone being partered with, **the** Hermione Granger, you nod mutely. "Right, then. Well," she says, pulling out a thick file folder, "this is a picture of Hogwarts Academy of Witchcraft and Wizardry." She hands you the photo. "But this is that same site, taken yesterday afternoon." You frown at it.   
  
"Some sort of cloaking device?"   
  
"No. It's gone."   
  
Your first inclination is to think that this is some sort of joke on the newbie, a silly prank. But then you look at Hermione, see how tired and sad she looks, and you know that it isn't. "But... how could a whole building just disappear? Voldemort--" she flinches, just barely, but you saw it-- "Voldemort and the Death Eaters have all been destroyed, and who else would have the magical ability and the desire to destroy Hogwarts?"   
  
"For a Muggle, you know a lot about Hogwarts." The praise pleases you, but you are still puzzled.   
  
"There's only one person I can think of who could have, well, **stolen** it... but she's in jail."   
  
Hermione shakes her head. "Not any more, she isn't."   
  
You're stunned past coherence. "What? But... she was... maximum security..."   
  
"You should know by now that there doesn't seem to be anything that can stop Carmen. She probably could have broken out months ago. My guess is that she was biding her time. Waiting for something."   
  
"For what?"   
  
"Well, that's what we have to find out, isn't it?"   
  
And the next thing you know you're on a flight to England, your hastily-packed carryon bag stuffed under your seat.   
  
"So, where is Hogwarts exactly? I mean I'm guessing it's not in downtown London or anything."   
  
Hermione gives you a serious look. "I trust I don't have to remind you of your confidientiality agreement?"   
  
"Of course not!"   
  
"Good. Because Hogwarts' location has always been top secret."   
  
"If it's top secret, then how do all the students find it?"   
  
She sighs. "Top secret to outsiders, I mean."   
  
"Oh. Right."   
  
"Anyway. The usual way to get there is by train, but the train only runs at the beginning and end of terms. So we'll be visiting an old friend of mine to arrange for transportation."   
  
"I see." You don't really, but you don't want to press it. You'll find out soon enough, you figure. So you endure the horrible onflight movie (the one with that girl from that TV show and that guy from the movie about that other guy) and you try to sleep but mostly you just **wonder**.   
  
Finally, the plane touches down, after circling for an interminable amount of time. You silently curse the fog. A lanky redhead is waiting for you inside the terminal. "Hermione! Oy! Hermione!" The two have a joyful reunion, and you wonder just what their past relationship with one another was. And suddenly they're both looking at you and you realize that introductions are about to begin.   
  
"... my new partner. Top of this year's class at the Academy, interned with the Ministry's Muggle Relations Committee."   
  
"Pleased to meet you," the man says and offers you an infectious grin and a firm handshake.   
  
"And this is Ron Weasley. You worked under his father at the Ministry, I believe."   
  
"Yes," you say. "Yes, Arthur Weasley is a great guy, I enjoyed working for him very much." Ron's smile widens, and you know you've said the right thing.   
  
"Let's get some dinner, you guys must be starved." You are, but you wait to follow Hermione's lead-- you don't want to come off as lazy, in case she wants to head off to the former location of Hogwarts right off. But no, she's agreeing and you're both following Ron through the maze of the terminals. Over fish and chips (well-- you and Ron eat fish and chips; Hermione eats a salad and looks vaguely disapproving), Ron and Hermione catch up with each other, and you feel vaguely awkward.   
  
But soon enough the meal is over and you're off. "It was so great of you to find transportation for us on such short notice."   
  
"Are you kidding? This is the biggest thing that's happened in-- well, since the final days of... Voldemort. You could have all the Aurors in England at your beck and call if you asked for them, because the way the Ministry sees it, you're their best hope at getting the School back."   
  
"Things seem to be running much more efficiently post-Fudge," Hermione says drolly. "If he were still in charge, they'd probably be denying that there ever was a Hogwarts, let alone that it was missing."   
  
"Yeah, Dad's been making loads of changes since he got promoted last year." You'd been so excited to hear about Mr. Weasley's promotion-- he had definitely deserved it, in your opinion.   
  
"So-- do you work for the Ministry, too?" you ask Ron.   
  
"Well-- yes and no," he says. "I play Quidditch professionally, actually. But sometimes I do some undercover sorts of things for the Ministry, I've got the background for it, after all! And I volunteered for this assignment... it seemed appropriate to me," he laughs, and Hermione looks torn between amusement and disapproval.   
  
You follow Ron down the street to a parking garage. You walk up to the completely deserted top level, where Ron stares at the wall. This continues to the point where you're almost ready to ask him if he's okay, when he says "Aha!", pulls a wand out of his pocket, and taps one of the bricks. A door slides open, revealing a staircase.   
  
"How very... James Bond," you say.   
  
Ron laughs. "Hey, 007's got nothing on us. We're magical, after all."   
  
You walk up the narrow staircase, and come up in a lovely, sparse room that does not look at all like a parking garage. And then you remember... "Wait a minute, we came from the top floor of the garage. And I definitely don't remember seeing this on the roof."   
  
"Yeah, Dumbledore helped a lot with the casting. I don't want to bore you with details, but it was pretty complicated, I'll tell you that much." He leads you over to a perfectly ordinary-looking car. You try not to let your confusion show, but clearly it has.   
  
"I know it doesn't look like much, but this baby's got state of the art cloaking, and it reaches airspeeds of 500 kilometers an hour," Ron says proudly.   
  
"The car? It's a **flying** car?"   
  
"You'd better hope so, at least." Seeing your eyes widen, he smiles. "No, really, it's perfectly safe. There have been huge advances in this kind of charmwork in the last fifteen years. And," glancing significantly at Hermione, "since you're using it for official Ministry business, it's perfectly legal." She snorts, and he continues, "I trust you know how to drive this?"   
  
"Of course," she says.   
  
"You never cease to amaze," replies Ron. He tosses her the keys.   
  
She smiles. "Thanks for everything!"   
  
"No problem! Look-- um, I know you're busy, but... call me next time you're in town, okay? Or even in the country. Next time you're in Europe, really."   
  
"Yes, definitely. As soon as this whole thing is over, I mean, and... whenever I have time..." she trailed off and shrugged sadly. They hugged, and then Hermione climbed into the drivers' seat. You both buckled up, and then Ron appeared to wave his wand and mutter something. Suddenly, there was no roof above them. Hermione pressed a button on the dash, started the car, and they were off.   
  
You flew over the English countryside for awhile, and then Hermione set the car down. You looked around, startled. There was a large, rather ominous looking forest, and a lake... and a large, barren field. Hermione was biting her lip. She was speechless, which you had already gathered was a pretty rare ocurrence for her.   
  
You hear a loud, booming voice, "'Ermione!"   
  
"Hagrid!" You look up at the biggest man you've ever seen. He and Hermione hug, and she quickly introduces you.   
  
"Anyway, Hagrid, hate to do this, but of course we've got to interview you."   
  
"Oh, by all means."   
  
"Well-- when was the last time you saw Hogwarts?"   
  
"Last night. I came home around midnight, and it was there like usual. I had a few things to take care of, and then I turned in. When I woke up the next morning, well, it was gone."   
  
"Where were you before then?"   
  
"The Three Broomsticks, just stopped in for a pint or two."   
  
"Did you see or hear anything suspicious there?"   
  
"Moreso than usual, you mean!" He gave a short bark of laugher. "Well.. now that you mention it, I guess I did hear a fella talking about a mysterious woman with brown tresses."   
  
You and Hermione exchange a quick glance, and you make a note.   
  
"Anything else?"   
  
"Hmm... not that I can remember, no."   
  
"Great. Thanks so much, Hagrid. Mind if we take a look around?"   
  
"Of course not! Anything to help the investiagtion."   
  
It's a pretty big area to search, and you're wondering where to start, when Hermione pulls out her wand and murmurs a spell. A few brightly glowing globes appear above certain spots on the field. Hermione smiles brightly. "Just a modification of a Finding Charm. Anything that has moved position in the last 24 hours will be marked."   
  
Dusk is falling rapidly, so you pull out a flashlight. Hemione's wand is glowing. Together, you set off towards the nearest marker. "Just a branch," you say with disappointment.   
  
"We'll be lucky if we find anything. Carmen's a master criminal."   
  
"So you're sure it's Carmen?"   
  
"Who else? We do need a warrant, though. What Hagrid said, about the brown-haired woman... that's good, that's a start. We'll need to interview more witnesses, though, so hopefully we'll be able to pick up a trail."   
  
You check out a few more uneventful sites. By this point, you're exhausted and jet lagged. However, the next potential piece of evidence catches your interest. "Oh wow... it's a letter!"   
  
Hemione levitates it off the ground (no fingerprints! Amazing how the simplest magic is sometimes better than the latest technology) and you both peer at it in the now-darkness. "It says... _I'll meet you in the land of the Maple Leaf. CS_"   
  
"CS... Carmen Sandiego! She was here! She must have dropped it."   
  
"Yeah," you reply, "But were we meant to find it? Or did she really drop it on accident?"   
  
Hermione shrugs. "I don't know, but this was our last piece of potential evidence, and I'd say it's the only lead we've got."   
  
"Maple Leaf... so she's in Canada?"   
  
"Guess so." You stifle a yawn-- it's been a long day. Hermione looks exhausted, too. "We'll stay here tonight," she says. "We need sleep. First I'll ring the Chief and tell her what she found, and people at ACME can start looking for leads in Canada."   
  
The next morning, you're awakened by a phonecall. Hermione answers. You gather from hearing her side of the conversation that you need to catch a flight soon, and that there's apparently good news of some sort. She ends the conversation, and turns to you. "One of our Canadian contacts is reporting VILE activity near Toronto. Our flight's already booked, let's go."   
  
"What about the car?"   
  
"Oh, someone from the Ministry will pick it up at the airport. It's no good for overseas travel, we just needed it to get to Hogwarts and back."   
  
"Oh." The rest of the morning, as well as your flight, passes in uneventful silence.   
  
When you land, it's a chilly morning in Toronto. A car is waiting for you, and you're off to investigate. Apparently some suspicious activity was reported at the York Museum, so you're hoping to find some leads.   
  
"You talk to the girl who was working in the gift shop yesterday, and I'll go search for any clues," says Hermione. She strides off briskly, and you go off to interview the girl.   
  
"Good morning," you glance at her nametag, "Ms. Spencer. I'm here with the ACME Detective Agency, and I was hoping you could answer a few questions for me."   
  
"Sure, no problem." She sips her orange juice and looks slighly bored.   
  
"Well... how long have you been working here?"   
  
"Just a few months. I needed something to support myself while I work on writing my new musical."   
  
"I see. Well, what exactly do you do here?"   
  
"I work in the gift shop. I take money, put stuff in bags, yell at people when they breaks stuff... you know."   
  
"Of course. Now, did you notice anything suspicious yesterday?"   
  
"Well, this one guy came in wearing a Garth Brooks T-shirt, I mean, that was pretty suspicious... um." She sees the look you're giving her and trails off. "Well, there was this other woman... dressed all in red, and she tried to pay me in reals, that was kinda unusual. We get all kinds of people trying to use US dollars... but this was different. I don't even know what country those are from."   
  
You're excited, this could definitely be a lead.   
  
"What did this woman try to buy with the reals?"   
  
"Um... just some postcards, I think. Nothing special."   
  
"And did she say anything to you?"   
  
"She asked me if I watched Wimbledon, but she lost interest when I said no."   
  
"Can you think of anything else significant about this woman?"   
  
"Uh.. not really... sorry, I mean, there are a lot of people in here, you know?"   
  
"Certainly. Well, thank you very much. You've been quite helpful to our investigation."   
  
"No problem!" Sensing the end of the conversation, her attention is once more focused on the comic book she's reading, and you leave in search of Hermione.   
  
You find her studying a visitor's guide, and you share the information you found.   
  
"Reals... hmm."   
  
"Reals are the Brazilian currency," you remember.   
  
"Good! And that part about Wimbledon... that's important too. Carmen loves tennis. We're one step closer to a warrant."   
  
Hermione makes a few calls, and next thing you know, you're on a flight to Rio de Janeiro.  
  
"Did you know that Portuguese, not Spanish, is the official language of Brazil?" Hermione asks you, seemingly at random.   
  
"Well... yeah," you say.   
  
"Oh. Good," she says, looking a little hurt. She then returns to her book, _Lies and the Lying Liars Who Tell Them: A Fair and Balanced Look at the Ministry of Magic_.   
  
You sigh and return to your own reading material, _Hogwarts: A History_, which Hermione insisted that you familiarize yourself with.   
  
Finally, the plane touches down. Hermione already has the details on your next stop-- MaracanÃ£, the soccer stadium.   
  
"I thought Carmen was a tennis fan, not soccer," you say.   
  
Hermione shrugs. "Who knows, with her? Anyway, we should go check it out."   
  
You split up again, this time you search for evidence, and Hermione interviews a ticket taker. (Apparently she has some sort of translation spell? You're not terribly sure on the details, but you're just grateful that neither of you need to know Portuguese.) The stadium is huge, it'll probably take you hours to search under all the seats. This seems a rather grim prospect to you, especially in the summer heat. (Stupid southern hemisphere.) However, you luck out, and after investigating a few rows of seats, you find a cardbord box. "Pocky?" you wonder, and you open it up. It's empty, but you notice something written on the inside. "I hope the Brazilian team's performance isn't too vile. I have a yen to see you again. Meet me at the usual place. Kay Tlin"   
  
You hurry over to Hermione and show her what you found. "Hmm," she says. "It must be from one of her henchmen."   
  
"Yen... that's Asian," you say.   
  
"Yes. And Pocky is Japanese."   
  
"Well, great! Did you find anything out?"   
  
"Mm. Yes. Well, Carmen was definitely here. It seems the ticket taker here had a bit of a fancy for her. Dreadful shock to him to find out she's an international supervillain, that was." You share a laugh at that. "Anyhow, we have more confirmation for our warrant-- brown eyes, brown hair." She pauses. "Very detailed descriptions of those. Anyway, we're pretty close to a warrant. I'll make flight arrangements."   
  
You sleep on the flight, a restless, fitful sleep. You're very thankful that ACME is providing you with first-class seats, but sleeping on a plane sucks no matter where you are. This case is quickly burning you out. It seems impossible that you'll ever catch Carmen. You're still unsure as to why you were assigned to this case-- you know you're good, but Carmen's a legend.   
  
But now you're in the airport and pushing your way through a crowd of loud incomprehensible yelling, and there's no time for self-doubt. You and Hermione are off to investigate a hotel, and you need to interview a guest and the receptionist.   
  
"Hello, Ms--"   
  
"Oh, just call me Talia."   
  
"Alright, Talia... I'm here with ACME Detective Agency, I was hoping I could ask you a few questions."   
  
"Sure, just make it quick."   
  
"I'll do my best. How long have you been staying here?"   
  
"The last five days."   
  
"And what brings you here?"   
  
"Just vacation."   
  
"Do you remember who was in the room next to yours, last night?"   
  
"Oh... a woman, dressed in red. She knew a lot about opera, I remember. We talked about _Aida_, and she said she wanted to visit the country it took place in."   
  
"I see. Did she say anything else that you remember?"   
  
"Well... she said something about mudbloods, but I just figured she was a bit tipsy. It was rather late."   
  
"Yes, well, thank you for your time."   
  
Hermione returns. "Nothing good from the receptionist, how about you?"   
  
"Yeah... mmm, she said she likes opera and she wanted to visit the country _Aida_ took place in, and... that she said something about mudbloods."   
  
"Well. That's interesting. That's very interesting." She pauses a moment, and looks a litte thrown off. "I'll have the Ministry investigate... hmm. Well. Anyway, opera, great, that's enough for a warrant. I'll get Warren the Warrant Robot right away. And _Aida_... let's see, she was a Nubian princess..."   
  
"And he was Egyptian! Guess we're off to Africa."   
  
"Yes. First we have a stop to make here, though..."   
  
And you follow her down the street in confusion. "Ah. Here it is." She walks into a shop. You look around-- no one else seems to see that this shop is there. "Magic", you think, and you feel suddenly excited. You still have trouble acclimating yourself to the concept that magic is real, and part of you is still a giddy 5-year old around it. You walk in the door, and blink. The store is full of owls. Hermione walks over to a large white one, scribbles something, and attaches it to its foot. You have to bite your lip to keep yourself from grinning. You adore owl post, you really do.   
  
"Who're you sending that to?"   
  
"Oh... just something I need to know," she says vaguely. You decide not to press it-- yet.   
  
And you're off-- airports are just a blur to you by now. When you land in Cairo, you're taken aback by the heat. All this international detective work is hell on your complexion.   
  
Your ACME contact has told you about some activity at a dock, so you head on over. The city is loud and crowded, and you're looking desperately for clues. The police are somewhat less than helpful, but somehow you manage. You wish desperately that Hermione could use some magic, but with this many people around it would just be far too complicated. Finally, you find the dock that you need to search. The only possible witness seems to have disappeared, so it's up to whatever you can find. And lucky for you, you spot it.   
  
It's a small flag. Striped, with a snake, and the caption "Don't Tread On Me". Hermione looks baffled. You frown. "The US?"   
  
"What?" You're surprised to see her so confused. But then, why should she be that familiar with American history? You're the Yankee.   
  
"It's an early American flag," you explain. "Kinda fitting for Carmen, don't you think?"   
  
"So... back to where we started." You're about to reply, when an owl swoops down. Hermione takes its message and gives it a coin.   
  
"Well... that's **very** interesting," she says.   
  
"What's very interesting?"   
  
"Carmen. I don't know why no one ever asked this before. Carmen spent four years at Hogwarts before she dropped out."   
  
"Carmen's a witch?"   
  
"And a mudblood. According to Dumbledore, her parents were very opposed to her attending at all."   
  
"Wow... so... wow, that explains kind of a lot. Wow."   
  
"Yes."   
  
"Well. Things got a lot more interesting."   
  
"Magic or not, we've still got to catch Carmen. Don't forget, I'm magic too. And you're very good at what you do. We'll get her."   
  
"But first we've got to get our flight!"   
  
Luckily, you do.   
  
In San Francisco, you have to dodge arrows being shot at you. You catch sight of a trenchcoated man running away. "Arrows? That's a little strange," Hermione says.   
  
You shrug. "Harder to trace than bullets, I guess."   
  
You're both a little shaken, but there seem to be no other VILE agents in the area.   
  
Reports say that VILE activity has been sighted near the Exploratorium, which you find a little ironic.   
  
But you get down there as fast as you can, and-- you catch a flash of red among the magnetism exhibit. "Freeze! ACME detectives!" You hear a high pitched shriek, and realize that you have, in fact, attempted to arrest a 5-year-old in a red jacket. "Oh. Uh, oops." Hermione glares at you, and you hear chuckling behind you. You turn, and come face to face with Carmen Sandiego herself.   
  
You gasp. "Well, it's about time you got here," she says with a smirk.   
  
"You're under arrest, Carmen!" Hermione yells. By this point all the children in the area have run off to their parents, who will no doubt dismiss their stories as the result of overactive imaginations.   
  
"Oh, I don't think so. Catch me if you can!" She pulls a wand out of her sleeve and cries, "_Accio Firebolt!_" A broomstick comes flying out of nowhere, and she hops on and flies off.   
  
"_Impedimenta Firebolt_," Hermione replies, whipping out her own wand. You just stare in shock.   
  
Carmen's broom freezes in the air. She glares at Hermione and points her wand, but Hermione yells "_Expelliarmus_", and Carmen's wand flies out of her hand, even as she yells "_Stupefy_!"   
  
"Nice try, Carmen. _Petrificus Totalus!_" With that, Carmen is frozen. "_Mobilicorpus!_"   
  
"Wow," is all you can say. "Um... good job."   
  
She smiles. "Perfect example of why you shouldn't drop out of magic school. Her style was nice, but her form was shoddy."   
  
The immobilized Carmen is floating along behind you. "We'll just take her to the San Francisco branch of the Ministry of Magic and get a truth serum made up. Then we'll find out where she's hidden Hogwarts."   
  
After you take Carmen to the Ministry, the head of the branch tells you both to go get some sleep.   
  
"We'll take things from here. Excellent work, you two."   
  
"Thank you, Mr. Nagem," Hermione says. So the two of you high five, and then you both go home and sleep.   
  
You sleep for a long time.   
  
When you wake up, you check your voicemail. You have one from your mom, who you make a mental note to call... later, and one from The Chief, who congratulates you and tells you to come down to the office as soon as you can.   
  
You really hope that it's not to tell you that Carmen has escaped already.   
  
Fortunately, it isn't. "Good work, Gumshoe! Thanks to you and your partner, Hogwarts has been restored to its rightful location, and Carmen has been put behind bars, where she belongs. You're being promoted, to Investigator. Furthermore, now that more is known about Carmen's abilities, we think she'll have more trouble escaping prison, this time. The Ministry of Magic has made sure of that."   
  
"Great," you say. "So what's next?"   
  
"Well, I'm afraid you'll have a new partner now. Ms. Granger is taking an extended leave... she said she had some loose ends to tie up back home. But--"   
  
"But I wanted to say goodbye, first," she says with a smile, as she barges into your office.   
  
"Doesn't anyone ever knock around here?" Your joke isn't funny and you know it, but you're not sure how else to deal with the situation.   
  
"Look-- you're a brilliant detective, you'll go really far here, I know it," says Hermione.   
  
"Thanks... thanks a lot."   
  
"I mean it! Anyway-- it's been great working with you. Good luck. And next time you're in London, look me up."   
  
You promise that you will, and you both hug goodbye. "Oh, and Hermione? Say hi to Ron for me."   
  
--_fin_


End file.
